When was the last time someone asked you: What are your values?
Did you pause? Maybe you start making a list of things like "honesty" or "family" or "integrity" because they sound right? Or maybe nothing came at all, leaving you with the uncomfortable sense that you are supposed to know this, yet somehow don't.
That discomfort is more common than people admit. Not because values are absent, but because we have abstracted them into something distant and ornamental. We talk about values as if they are ideas to admire, flattened into vague slogans, words that sound profound on a poster but feels impossible to actually pin down in real life.
What We are Actually Talking About
Think about the last time you felt genuinely angry, not annoyed, but that deep, gut-level anger. What was violated? Maybe someone lied to you or dismissed something you care about or treated someone unfairly. That anger? That is a value talking.
Or think about a time you felt truly alive, time disappeared, you were completely absorbed. What were you doing? Who were you with? That feeling of rightness, of "this is what I'm supposed to be doing": that is a value showing itself.
The Values
Values are not morals or personality traits; values are enduring internal priorities—representations of what feels worth striving for across situations.
Here are some core values that research shows up consistently across cultures. As you read through them, notice which ones make you lean in, which ones you are already living by.
Values Focused on Your Own Growth and Success:
- Achievement – Accomplishment, competence, ambition, being recognized for success
- Power – Authority, leadership, influence over others, control of resources
- Self-Direction – Independence, autonomy, freedom, choosing your own path
- Stimulation – Excitement, novelty, challenge, variety in life
- Hedonism – Pleasure, enjoying life, self-indulgence, gratification
Values Focused on Others and Community:
- Benevolence – Caring for close others, helpfulness, loyalty, genuine friendship
- Universalism – Social justice, equality, protecting the environment, wisdom, broadmindedness
- Tradition – Respect for customs, humility, accepting your place in life, spiritual commitment
- Conformity – Restraint, politeness, obedience, honoring expectations
- Security – Safety, stability, harmony in relationships, belonging, order
Two-Value System
We are actually running two value systems at once and they don't always agree.
One set is deeply personal: what matters when it's just you and your conscience. What makes you feel like yourself. They ask: "What do I get from this?"
The other set is social: what you believe about how people should treat each other, what kind of world you want to exist in. They ask: "What does this do for us?"
Sometimes these align beautifully. Sometimes they crash into each other. The exhaustion you feel when you are doing everything "right" but nothing feels right? That is usually your value systems fighting each other.
Value Hierarchy
Not all our values matter equally. We have a hierarchy, whether we consciously built it or not. And here is what makes this interesting: that hierarchy reveals who we actually are, not who we think we should be. You might say family is your top value. But if you are consistently choosing work over family time, your behaviour is telling a different story. Maybe achievement actually ranks higher.
For example:
- You may value honesty but prioritize belonging when honesty risks rejection.
- You may value connection but repeatedly choose achievement when the two collide.
Research shows values that emphasize care, cooperation, and closeness tend to sit higher for most people, while values focused on power or dominance often sit lower. That doesn't make one "good" and the other "bad" but it does shape behaviour and relationships in predictable ways. Our hierarchy shows up in where we spend our time, who we tolerate being around, what we will sacrifice and what we absolutely won't.
What Your Values Are Actually Doing to Your Life Right Now
This isn't theoretical. Your values are actively shaping your reality, whether you are paying attention or not.
If you prioritize caring for others, you actually behave differently—more helping, more cooperation, less competition. If you prioritize openness and change, you are more likely to be comfortable with uncertainty and willing to question existing systems. If you prioritize security and tradition, you will naturally protect what works and resist unnecessary risk. None of this is good or bad. But here's what matters: you are being influenced by values you might not even consciously hold.
If you work in an environment that prizes individual achievement above everything, you will start internalizing that value even if deep down, you are someone who comes alive through collaboration. You are not just expressing your values. You are absorbing them from everywhere: your workplace, your relationships, your culture. And most of the time, you don't even notice it happening.
The Point Isn't Perfection
You're not going to live in perfect alignment with your values all the time. But there is a massive difference between making a conscious choice that temporarily conflicts with a value—for example taking a job you know will drain you because you need the money right now—and sleepwalking through a life built on values you never actually chose.
The goal isn't to have the "right" values. It is to know what yours actually are and then make choices with your eyes open. To understand what you are trading and why. To stop being confused by your own behaviour. Your values are already running. They are already making decisions, filtering opportunities, shaping relationships.
The only question is: are you going to become aware of them or keep wondering why life feels slightly wrong even when it looks right on paper?
Pay attention. The answers are already showing up in every choice you make.